Know Yourself to Be Powerful... and Use Your Power Well
Why the relationship you have with yourself shapes every decision, conversation and expression of leadership, in all parts of your life.
I think we have been teaching leadership backwards.
We spend years teaching people how to lead others - and almost no time teaching them how to lead themselves when leadership gets hard.
We teach strategy, communication, delegation, accountability, influence, conflict resolution and executive presence.
And all of these matter.
To be clear, when I use the word leadership, I do not mean only what happens inside corporations, businesses or institutions, or only what is practiced by people with impressive titles.
In my worldview, each of us is called to lead our own life.
So each of us is a leader.
We lead when we make a difficult decision, have an honest conversation, care for someone we love, set a boundary, respond to change or choose what will receive our time, energy and attention.
The personal, professional, practical and spiritual dimensions of our lives may appear to occupy separate territories, but the same person travels among them. The relational capacities we cultivate in one area follow us into the others.
The ability to listen, tell the truth, remain present, repair a rupture, tolerate discomfort, use our power responsibly, and stay connected to ourselves matters at the conference table and the kitchen table.
Because, in the end, everything is about relationship - beginning with the relationship we have with ourselves.
Leadership does not happen in a laboratory. It happens in real time, inside consequential relationships, often when the stakes are high, the information is incomplete, and multiple people want different things from us.
It happens when we are tired.
When we feel threatened or misunderstood.
When someone questions our judgment.
When a partner withdraws, an adult child makes a choice we do not understand, a friend disappoints us, a colleague becomes defensive, a client changes the terms or a decision carries consequences we cannot fully predict.
It happens when our own history, fears, ambitions and protective instincts enter the room with us.
That is when leadership becomes more than something we know.
It becomes something we must be able to hold.
Knowing Yourself Is Only Half the Intention
Many years ago, I created a leadership program called KY2BP: Know Yourself to Be Powerful.
It was originally designed as a leadership program for adolescents and young adults. Its principles later became a foundation for Women in Transition...How Good Can You Stand It?, and, over time, the work grew and deepened into what I now call Whole Person | Whole Power™.
But the complete intention behind KY2BP was always:
Know yourself to be powerful - and use your power well.
Self-knowledge matters because it gives us access to greater choice, agency and power.
But knowing ourselves is not the end of the work.
The question is what we do with what we know.
How do we use our power when we feel threatened?
How do we use it when we have authority over others?
Can we remain powerful without becoming controlling?
Can we be compassionate without rescuing?
Can we listen without disappearing?
Can we act decisively without denying the complexity of what is happening?
Can we be ‘comfortable’ with being powerful; with walking through the world as an empowered and sovereign human being?
Can we use our power in ways that honor ourselves, other people, the relationships and the larger purpose we are here to serve?
Knowing ourselves helps us access our power.
Self-leadership helps us use it well.
“I Know Better - So Why Don’t I Do It?”
For nearly 25 years, I have coached remarkable leaders.
Brilliant people.
Successful people.
People who genuinely care about their work, their teams, their families, and the impact they have on the world.
Eventually, almost every one of them asks me some version of the same question:
I know better. So why don’t I do it - or say it - when it counts?
Why do I avoid the conversation I know I need to have?
Why do I become controlling when I want to be collaborative?
Why do I agree to something and resent it later?
Why do I overexplain, overfunction or take responsibility for something that is not mine?
Why do I become defensive when someone challenges me?
Why do I go silent when I have something important to contribute?
Why can I offer wise counsel to everyone else and struggle to access that same wisdom for myself?
These are not usually failures of intelligence.
They are not evidence that we need another book, model, assessment or leadership strategy.
Often, they reveal something more fundamental:
We may know what effective leadership looks like without yet having the capacity to remain connected to ourselves when using it feels risky.
The Relationship Beneath Every Other Relationship
I have paid dearly for many of the lessons I now teach.
So have many of the people with whom I work.
To be clear, suffering did not make us wise.
What did - and what cultivated wisdom - was our willingness to stay present with what life was trying to teach us - to reflect, to feel, to tell ourselves the truth and to remain curious about what was happening inside us rather than focusing exclusively on what everyone else was doing right, or wrong.
And what I have learned is this:
The most important relationship you will ever have is the relationship you have with yourself.
Every decision you make passes through that relationship.
Every conversation.
Every boundary, asserted or crossed.
Every risk.
Every act of courage.
Every relationship with another person.
Every expression - or suppression - of your power.
Before your leadership reaches anyone else, it moves through the ways you know, trust, question, judge, protect, encourage or abandon yourself.
If your inner relationship is primarily adversarial, your leadership will bear the imprint of that conflict.
If you distrust your own perceptions, you may continually seek reassurance from people who cannot give you the certainty you want.
You may even gaslight yourself - minimizing what happened, arguing against what you know, dismissing your feelings as unreasonable, ignoring your intuitive hits, or repeatedly persuading yourself that your perceptions cannot be trusted.
If you believe your needs are inconvenient, you may call chronic self-sacrifice “service.”
If belonging has required you to remain agreeable, a necessary disagreement may feel like a threat to the relationship.
If your safety once depended on anticipating everyone else’s emotional state, you may become highly skilled at reading the room while losing contact with yourself.
These patterns are not character flaws.
Many began as intelligent responses to earlier circumstances. They helped us belong, succeed, contribute, remain safe or care for the people around us.
But a response that was once adaptive can eventually begin making decisions that belong to the present-day and more mature adult, head of the household, leader, founder or CEO we have become.
I do not offer this observation from a safe distance.
I have moved through this territory many times. I still do.
I have overridden what I knew, looked outside myself for answers I already carried, and used my considerable intelligence to construct arguments against my own perceptions.
I have agreed when I wanted to say no. Moved too quickly because uncertainty was uncomfortable. Made myself responsible for outcomes that were not entirely mine. Tried to think my way through experiences that needed to be felt, grieved, metabolized or given time.
Knowing ourselves does not mean we never revisit an old pattern.
It means we become more able to recognize it, remain in relationship with ourselves while it is happening and make a different choice.
Who Is Leading Right Now?
This is why I do not believe leadership development is only about acquiring more strategies.
We also need to become the kind of people who can hold what leadership asks of us without abandoning ourselves or giving our power away.
That does not mean becoming fearless, endlessly composed or immune to activation. Nor does it mean exiling the vulnerable, reactive or uncertain parts of ourselves so that some polished “executive self” can take over.
Self-leadership is not inner domination.
It is inner relationship.
We contain many parts, roles, ages, instincts and ways of responding.
There may be a part that wants everyone to be happy.
A part that wants to prove we are right.
A part that wants to move faster than the discomfort.
A part that can’t stand holding the tension.
A part that fears disappointing people.
A part that learned not to need anything.
A part that equates control with safety.
A part that would rather remain silent than risk being misunderstood.
There may also be a deeply grounded, discerning and compassionate self - the one capable of considering the whole picture, hearing competing needs and choosing what is aligned rather than what offers the quickest relief.
I sometimes imagine this self as the aware ego: the chair of our personal board of directors.
Every part has a place at the table, although every part should not be in every room where a decision might be required. Every part carries information, history, concerns, needs or wisdom that may matter.
The chair decides which parts need to be in the room and, even if uncomfortable or inconvenient, the chair does not throw anyone out of the meeting.
Nor does the chair allow the loudest, most frightened or most insistent member to commandeer the agenda.
The chair listens, integrates what has been offered, remains attentive to the whole, and helps the organization choose its way forward.
Every part may have something important to tell us.
But not every part should be handed the keys.
Knowing yourself to be powerful means becoming increasingly able to notice who – which parts of you - are present and active inside you, and choosing which one(s) will lead.
Using your power well means allowing that leadership to serve more than fear, urgency, image or self-protection.
Don’t Go to Strategy Too Soon - A Practice
The next time you are facing a difficult conversation or an important decision, pause before asking:
What is the right answer?
Or:
What is the right strategy? Or next step?
Those questions may be useful.
But they often come too soon.
One of the things I say frequently to my clients is:
Resist going to strategy too soon.
Before deciding what to do, make room to understand what is happening.
This pause may last a breath, an afternoon, a season or, in some of life’s largest transitions, a year or more.
You may need to contemplate.
Rest.
Move your body.
Move the emotion.
Gather more information.
Listen to the parts of you pulling in different directions.
Grieve what the decision may require you to leave.
Allow the initial charge to settle so that urgency is not mistaken for clarity.
Before reaching for the strategy, ask:
Which part of me is here trying to solve this?
Is this a reactive part of me?
A younger part?
A frightened part?
The part that wants approval?
The part that wants to rescue?
The part that feels responsible for everyone and everything?
The part that needs to win?
Or am I in solid self-leadership or CEO space right now, able to stay grounded and connected to myself, to attend to other people and make room for the complexity of the situation?
Then wait.
This may be the most important - and most difficult - part of the practice.
Wait long enough for your body to settle.
Wait long enough to notice the difference between urgency and clarity.
Wait long enough to hear what fear is saying without automatically obeying it.
Wait long enough for the part that has been working so hard to protect you to feel acknowledged.
Wait long enough for your wisest self to arrive.
This does not have to take hours. Sometimes one conscious breath changes the quality of a response. Sometimes we need a walk, a night’s sleep, a conversation with someone we trust or the courage to say:
I want to give this the attention it deserves. Let me come back to you.
A pause is not necessarily avoidance.
Used consciously, it is an act of leadership.
Our wisest self does not arrive to shame the frightened part, silence the people-pleaser or overpower the one who wants control.
It arrives with enough steadiness to listen.
Of course you want them to be happy. Their disappointment does not automatically mean the decision is wrong.
I understand why you want to respond immediately. We do not have to make this decision from urgency.
You are afraid that setting this boundary will damage the relationship. Let us communicate it clearly and allow the other person to have their response.
You know what you want to say. Let us say it simply, without building an entire legal case to justify our existence.
Our mature power does not require us to abandon our tender places.
It allows us to hold them without requiring them to lead.
That is how we become less divided.
Not by eliminating our contradictions, but by developing a healthy enough relationship with ourselves to remain present to all of them - and still choose well.
It is how we begin calling all of our parts, pieces and power back into relationship.
Not to make every part agree.
Not to manufacture perfect inner harmony.
Not to prolong an important decision or wait until you have everything you think you need to know.
But to become whole and self-aware enough that self-trust prevails and our power is no longer scattered among all the places where we have learned to leave ourselves.
Power Is Always Relational
We often think of power as something we possess, accumulate or exert.
But power is always relational.
It moves through our relationships with authority, approval, conflict, responsibility, visibility, money, belonging and choice.
Most fundamentally, it moves through the relationship we have with ourselves.
This is why the first of my five relationship principles is:
Put relationships first - beginning with the relationship with yourself, then Source, then others.
Beginning with yourself does not mean caring only about yourself.
It means developing an inner foundation sturdy enough to allow you to remain in genuine relationship with other people without disappearing, controlling, rescuing or chronically betraying yourself and what you know.
When our self-relationship is neglected, we may give our power away without recognizing it. We may use power defensively, apologize for having it or confuse power with control.
We may also use our intelligence against ourselves - building persuasive arguments for why our perceptions cannot be trusted, our needs should wait or our knowing requires further proof.
When our self-relationship becomes stronger, power can become cleaner.
We can be direct without being cruel.
Receptive without disappearing.
Collaborative without surrendering our discernment.
Compassionate without rescuing.
Certain without pretending to know everything.
Powerful without needing anyone else to become less powerful.
This is Whole Person | Whole Power™: the capacity to bring more of who we are into conscious relationship so that our power is not driven exclusively by the parts of us that are frightened, armored or trying to prove something.
It is not perfection.
It is practice.
Life Does Not Become Less Complex
Every time you make room for your wisest self to lead, you become a little less divided.
To be sure, life does not become less complex.
The difficult employee may still be difficult.
The decision may still carry risk.
The conversation may not go as planned.
Someone may still misunderstand you.
A well-considered boundary may still disappoint another person.
Knowing yourself does not give you control over every outcome. It gives you a more trustworthy place from which to meet the outcome.
And you become more capable.
More capable of staying with yourself when someone disagrees.
More capable of receiving information without collapsing into self-doubt.
More capable of repairing a rupture without accepting responsibility for all of it.
More capable of changing your mind without abandoning your authority.
More capable of staying with other people without losing contact with yourself.
More capable of staying in relationship with life - especially when life refuses to become simple.
The Work Before the Work
Before the strategy, there is the strategist.
Before the conversation, there is the person preparing to enter it.
Before the decision, there is an internal relationship with fear, desire, authority and consequence.
Before we lead others, there is the question of how we lead ourselves.
This is the work before the work.
It is not separate from leadership. It is the ground from which leadership grows.
And it asks more of us than acquiring knowledge. It asks us to cultivate a vital inner life: to slow down long enough to hear ourselves, to develop relationships with the many parts of who we are and to strengthen our capacity to act from greater wholeness.
The goal is not to become someone new.
It is to become increasingly capable of living, leading, loving and choosing from who we already are.
To know ourselves to be powerful.
And to use our power well.
So I will leave you with these questions:
What if the life you are longing for does not begin with becoming someone new?
What if it begins by becoming more capable of living from who you already are?
And perhaps, before your next important decision or difficult conversation, you might ask:
Which part of me is here trying to solve this?
Then pause.
Listen.
And wait long enough for the wisest part of you to arrive.
Love,
Dori
A Few Questions About Self-Knowledge & Leadership
Why is self-knowledge important in leadership?
Self-knowledge helps leaders recognize the emotions, assumptions, protective responses, natural tendencies, and personal histories influencing their decisions. This awareness creates more choice. Instead of reacting automatically, leaders can respond with greater clarity, confidence, steadiness and alignment.
Do I need a formal title to practice self-leadership?
No. Self-leadership is relevant to anyone making choices, navigating relationships, responding to change or deciding how to use their power. We practice it as professionals, partners, parents, friends, family members and citizens - and in the private moments when no one else can tell us what choice is ours to make.
How do we know when we are standing at a threshold?
We may feel that an old identity no longer fits, even though the next one is not fully formed. What once worked begins to feel flat, constricting or incomplete. It can be a murky time. Yet beneath the murkiness, we may notice a persistent inner invitation toward greater truth, congruence or aliveness.
What does it mean to use your power well?
Using your power well means exercising choice, authority and influence consciously. It includes honoring yourself without diminishing others, remaining connected to your core values under pressure and considering the effect your decisions have on relationships and the larger purpose you serve.
What is self-leadership?
Self-leadership is the practice of remaining in conscious relationship with yourself while making choices, navigating uncertainty and relating to others. It includes noticing your internal responses, understanding what they are trying to accomplish and choosing which part of you is best equipped to lead.
What does self-abandonment look like in leadership?
Self-abandonment can include silencing what you know, overriding your needs, agreeing when you mean no, taking responsibility for other people’s emotions, seeking excessive reassurance or acting against your values to preserve approval, safety or belonging.
What is self-gaslighting?
Self-gaslighting is a popular term for repeatedly dismissing, minimizing or arguing against your own perceptions, emotional experience, and reality. It may sound like, “I am overreacting,” “It was not that bad,” or “I should not feel this way.” It may also sound like, “Am I even remembering that correctly?” The term is not identical to interpersonal gaslighting, which involves manipulation by another person, but it can help name the habit of undermining our own knowing.
Why shouldn’t leaders go to strategy too soon?
Moving immediately to strategy can cause leaders to act from urgency, fear or an incomplete understanding of what is happening. A conscious pause creates room to gather information, notice internal reactions, consider the relationship, and allow a wiser response to emerge.
How can leaders respond rather than react?
A leader can create a pause between activation and action. Before choosing a strategy, it can help to ask, “Which part of me is trying to solve this?” The leader can then notice whether fear, urgency, defensiveness, approval-seeking or simple over-eagerness is driving the response and wait until greater clarity becomes available.
What does it mean to lead from your wisest self?
Leading from your wisest self means making room for all the information within you - including fear, vulnerability and uncertainty – to be heard and integrated without allowing any single reactive part to control the decision. Like the chair of a personal board of directors, the wisest self listens to the whole internal system and chooses from discernment, values, the situation at hand, and present-day capacity.
Can a powerful leader also be vulnerable?
Yes. Vulnerability and power are not opposites. Healthy power allows leaders to acknowledge uncertainty, receive feedback, repair mistakes and remain emotionally present without relinquishing discernment, responsibility or authority.
How can I begin strengthening my relationship with myself?
Begin with giving yourself the gifts of attention and kindness. Notice how you speak to yourself under pressure, where you override your own knowing and which situations cause you to leave yourself in pursuit of approval, control or relief. Practice pausing, listening inwardly and taking one action that reflects what you know to be true.
And perhaps the questions to sit with are these:
Where in your leadership are you most able to remain connected to yourself?
Where are you most likely to abandon what you know or give your power away?
Which part of you tends to take over when the stakes are high?
What does that part fear might happen if it did not intervene?
What would your wisest self - the chair of your personal board - like you to understand?
Are you trying to go to strategy before you have fully understood what is happening? What might you be missing that matters? Of course, if you are ready, decide; however, if you are just trying to appear leader-like and decisive or to relieve the tension by making a decision quickly, beware.
What choice becomes possible when you allow your wisest self to lead?
How might you use your power well?